"If it takes dying to get there, so be it."

Exhausting Secrets

I am riddled with guilt. I hate these secrets I keep and the lies I am telling but its all in the name of fear. If my parents found out that I am back to my old habits again I can only begin to imagine what they would do and I refuse to be put back into hospital. I don't want to spend my days being tube feed, in group therapy and going out on stupid outings to pastry shops...You may be able to heal the body in 6weeks but not the mind, not the root of this evil.
But at the same time I don't know how long I can keep living like this, as dark as the hour may be I do want to live and experience life instead of being cooped up in my room all day hiding from the world. I want to be able to wake up and not dread what's to come, to be able to eat with my family and friends, to not have to bring vomit bags every where I go and not have to hide yesterdays food in my draws.

The past month I have found myself being sucked into a whirlwind of emotions, both euphoric and senseless dismay. Its only Wednesday and I have already spent an atrocious $100 on food in which I eat systematically and then purge it up followed with a combination of diuretics, laxatives, vomit inducing liquids just in case I didn't get everything up on my own and finally diet pills. This cycle normally goes on for days sometimes lasting a draining 2weeks, once I'm done with the binging and purging I go for weeks/months on end of constant fasting and restricting.

How is it that my life has come to this? I barely exist, I sometimes question whether I am even here anymore, my mind and body has been invaded by this cruel mistress.  I have lost friends, my boyfriend whom I loved with every part of me; my body is slowly shutting down, what once made me me no longer exists. I cannot recall the last time I was truly happy not to mention care free.

How can I find me again? How can I overcome and concur this disease for good? Before time runs out...

Crawling in my own skin

I have spent most of my life trying to escape from my reality and my illness. My genetic disease takes so much from me, my parents thrive from controlling me and I feel left with so very little, with no control and having the feeling of zero control can be a powerful emotion. In my case this feeling left me seeking control in my life and in any form possible; I found it but in the most horrible and destructive way that has left me crazed, lonely, manically depressed, starved and now having to battle with another disease. I discovered that the one thing I can take total control over is my eating, I get to decide what goes in and out of my body and no one can take that from me, at least so I thought
I now am obsessed and have been sucked into oblivion, I've gained control but have lost so much. I disgust myself, I'm haunted by my thoughts and this reflection in the mirror. At 35kg I see nothing but mountains of fat. Along with these wonderful thoughts I developed this twisted desire to self destruct, I have lost all care for my life. I love my family and friends so very much, I would do anything for them and just want them to be happy but I don't want that for myself. These days all I want to do is to sleep and stay in my bed watching t.v trying to distract myself from suicide.

I am aware that all this sounds so incredibly pathetic, self indulgent and full of self pity but I'm exhausted. Having an eating disorder takes up every second of your day, life revolves purely around food and the agonising physical and emotional pain.

I itch and I scratch, I cry and I cut, I search and search for that light but I just can seem to find it.