Crawling in my own skin

I have spent most of my life trying to escape from my reality and my illness. My genetic disease takes so much from me, my parents thrive from controlling me and I feel left with so very little, with no control and having the feeling of zero control can be a powerful emotion. In my case this feeling left me seeking control in my life and in any form possible; I found it but in the most horrible and destructive way that has left me crazed, lonely, manically depressed, starved and now having to battle with another disease. I discovered that the one thing I can take total control over is my eating, I get to decide what goes in and out of my body and no one can take that from me, at least so I thought
I now am obsessed and have been sucked into oblivion, I've gained control but have lost so much. I disgust myself, I'm haunted by my thoughts and this reflection in the mirror. At 35kg I see nothing but mountains of fat. Along with these wonderful thoughts I developed this twisted desire to self destruct, I have lost all care for my life. I love my family and friends so very much, I would do anything for them and just want them to be happy but I don't want that for myself. These days all I want to do is to sleep and stay in my bed watching t.v trying to distract myself from suicide.

I am aware that all this sounds so incredibly pathetic, self indulgent and full of self pity but I'm exhausted. Having an eating disorder takes up every second of your day, life revolves purely around food and the agonising physical and emotional pain.

I itch and I scratch, I cry and I cut, I search and search for that light but I just can seem to find it.