Exhausting Secrets

I am riddled with guilt. I hate these secrets I keep and the lies I am telling but its all in the name of fear. If my parents found out that I am back to my old habits again I can only begin to imagine what they would do and I refuse to be put back into hospital. I don't want to spend my days being tube feed, in group therapy and going out on stupid outings to pastry shops...You may be able to heal the body in 6weeks but not the mind, not the root of this evil.
But at the same time I don't know how long I can keep living like this, as dark as the hour may be I do want to live and experience life instead of being cooped up in my room all day hiding from the world. I want to be able to wake up and not dread what's to come, to be able to eat with my family and friends, to not have to bring vomit bags every where I go and not have to hide yesterdays food in my draws.

The past month I have found myself being sucked into a whirlwind of emotions, both euphoric and senseless dismay. Its only Wednesday and I have already spent an atrocious $100 on food in which I eat systematically and then purge it up followed with a combination of diuretics, laxatives, vomit inducing liquids just in case I didn't get everything up on my own and finally diet pills. This cycle normally goes on for days sometimes lasting a draining 2weeks, once I'm done with the binging and purging I go for weeks/months on end of constant fasting and restricting.

How is it that my life has come to this? I barely exist, I sometimes question whether I am even here anymore, my mind and body has been invaded by this cruel mistress.  I have lost friends, my boyfriend whom I loved with every part of me; my body is slowly shutting down, what once made me me no longer exists. I cannot recall the last time I was truly happy not to mention care free.

How can I find me again? How can I overcome and concur this disease for good? Before time runs out...